Yes, the title is ironic.
I spend a lot of time composing elaborate opening messages for girls on dating sites, and Mixed Messages is essentially a showcase for them. The previous post in this series got a great response (Mainly along the lines of “Stop trying so hard you numpty!) so I think I should probably point out that these more elaborate messages are the exception rather than the rule, and the vast majority of my messages are more along the lines of:
“So you read dictionaries eh? I tried the Oxford English once. Not for me though - too much exposition, and frankly, a bit patronising in places. ;) Give me a shout if you fancy flexing your no doubt impressive vocabulary over a glass of wine.
But those are really boring, and not really worth posting about. But every now and again, I will come across a profile that inspires me to go the extra mile, more to amuse myself than anything else.
I sent this one to a girl called Sally, who was a movie geek, who’d been to the San Diego Comic-Con. She also wrote her own screenplays, so I thought it might be novel to send her an opening message in the form of a script. This is what I came up with:
The Greeting by Jon Cupid
INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT
BUBBLYSAL is sitting in her bedroom bored. It’s later than it should be and she looks slightly tired. She’s stabbing her mouse pointer at endless profiles on a dating site, and slowly driving her palm into her forehead.
Seriously guys? Not one of you owns a shirt? Is there some sort of moth epidemic? Put your pecs away!
She sighs and clicks on a profile. The guy in the picture looks a bit grumpy.
Blimey, who took the jam out of your donut matey?
She moves on. Suddenly a message pops up in her inbox. It’s from GRUMPY-LOOKING GUY. She opens it.
GRUMPY-LOOKING GUY (V.O.)
Hi there! I saw you having a shufty, thought I’d say hi!
She does a gun-to-the-temple-brain-slatter-on-the-wall mime.
GRUMPY-LOOKING GUY (V.O. CONT’D)
Really like to hear a bit more about your Comic-Con adventures, were you brave enough to cosplay?
Nice one nerd. Did you take your Hulk hands off before you typed that one, or did you just pound at the keyboard and hope for the best?
GRUMPY-LOOKING GUY (V.O.)
I wish this was a better opening message - but it’s so hard to type with these damned Hulk hands on. Hope to hear from ya! Cheers, Jon
She smirks. She checks his profile again.
Still, he was a film critic for SFX Magazine. And he’s made award-winning films, so we could talk about that. Maybe I’ll reply tomorrow.
She turns off her computer and crawls into the bed.
And if nothing else, at least I know he owns a shirt.
Sadly, I think it was probably a bit too elaborate, and she might not have appreciated having words put in her mouth - she never replied. Isn’t it annoying when life doesn’t follow the script?