Mixed Messages: Make Room For The Mushrooms

So here we’ve got another opening message that I’ve sent from my dating profile. This one was a message to a girl who had a funny bit on her profile about being terrified that Anteaters would eventually get bored of eating ants and start eating people. It made me laugh, so I thought I’d say hello. 

I totally get your point about Anteaters. I have long held a suspicion that nature in general is making massive technological strides right under our noses. Particularly the mushrooms. I’m pretty certain they’re already sentient, slowly prepping their spore-based tech before enslaving humanity. 

You can already picture the scene - some underground bunker, a young radar operator (his first day on the job, naturally) noticing a blip on the radar, a huge radiation surge over Norway. The Commander barks at an ensign for a visual. “It’s a mushroom cloud…” stammers the ensign. “What is it? An A Bomb? A Nuke?” asks the commander. “No sir. IT’S A CLOUD OF MUSHROOMS.” 

Within hours, Europe is gone. Within days, Russia and China. Within weeks, the entire world watches on television as the president of the United States is forced to bow before Chanterelle, the King of the Mushroom folk. 

Over the following years, the cities become disused, and covered in vines and shrubbery. People are used as slaves and food for the mushroom folk. But no-one really minds. 

Turns out that Mushrooms are really Fungi’s to hang out with. 

Which I suppose, is a really long winded way of saying hello. 

Hello! 

- Jon

Never heard back though. I WONDER WHY.