Yes, the title is ironic.
Of all the things I’ve ever done to try and impress women, attempting to lay a carpet at the behest of my then girlfriend Mariah (with absolutely no practical knowledge of how to do so) was probably one of the stupidest. I’d managed to find some ratty old carpet on Freecycle, which my flatmate Ersby and I had carried home several miles in the pissing rain. It turned out to be significantly bigger than my bedroom, but that was ok - I had a craft knife. This is how it went down. HINT: It went down really fucking badly.
The Carpet in the room
Cutting the carpet roughly (and I mean roughly) to size
Realising I’d also cut myself in the process.
There, JOB DONE.
And that’s how it was left for the next two years. Lumpy, not tacked down in any way, shape or form, and completely fucking horrible. When I left, the carpet followed pretty closely behind apparently.
Probably a good thing too.
Incidentally, if anyone wants to hire me for any DIY or odd jobs around the house, you can use the contact page above.